Let go of that guilt.

This week my maternity leave finished and I officially became a “working mum”. Holy. Shit. How do you do it? Please, someone give me tips, because I feel like I’ve shat out my brain, ran around like a mad woman and all whilst being up to my eyeballs in housework. And I mean bog standard, run around a hoover, wipe the sides housework. Even that felt like a mission this week.

But let’s forget about busy-ness for a minute. That I was expecting. Let’s talk about the overwhelming sense of guilt that comes along with going back to work when you have a baby.

I’m very lucky in that I have wonderfully supportive family to help with childcare, but the guilt is still there. I had this crippling guilt of leaving him – hes been with me every day of his life and now suddenly I’m gone for 6 hours. How will he (by he, I mean I) survive? What if he’s crying because he misses me? What if he forgets me?!?!?! ( this was a real fear of mine, I cried and cried that first day I was away from him because I was terrified he wouldn’t remember me).

On top of that I felt guilt for leaving him with family members, I know they love him and want to spend time with him but atleast if he was at a nursery (scariest thought ever) they get paid to be there.

I felt guilt when I had to wake him up πŸ’”πŸ’” he was still sound asleep in his bed and I needed to wake him up to get him dressed and out of the house. I had never wanted him awake so badly before that morning. I quite literally done it through tears.

Getting back to work is something were all having to adjust to. And every morning, when I have to wake him, leave him, kiss him goodbye I have to remind myself why I’m doing it. Which is for him to have a better life. For us to be more financially stable, enabling us, as parents, to give him the experiences we wouldnt be able to afford otherwise. But it also helps me, I have a reason to be up and dressed and out of the house, I once again am contributing financially to our household and I get 6 hours a day where I am just me.

As mums, pretty much every avenue we take is fucking tough. Whether we are at home, at work, full time, part time whatever. Whatever we do is difficult and mum guilt is so fucking present. I had it before I went back to work. It’s just that the reasons of feeling guilt have now changed.

That being said I’m a big believer in working through your emotions and putting them out there and I want to cast this “guilt” off. It has no place in me. And it shouldn’t in you. However we parent, we are all good enough πŸ’œπŸ’œ

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